Understanding Me
by Lys
Summary: How Hisoka feels is hard to explain, but there's one thing he's sure about. That there's one person who won't let him loose himself; the one person who he'd rather be with than be alone. One-shot, fluff.


**Understanding Me**   
Lys Summers 

I think I like this, despite it's... differences from my usual style. Oh well, you make up your mind. Beware of extensive fluff. 

How Hisoka feels is hard to explain, but there's one thing he's sure about. That there's one person who won't let him loose himself; the one person who he'd rather be with than be alone. 

=+=+=+= 

Lost. It's the only word that I can use to describe what I feel, how I exist. It's not something that I expect people to understand, it just can't be done. But if for a minute you stop and think, maybe you could comprehend the reason I say this. Maybe then I wouldn't sound so crazy, you know? What goes through your mind in the space of a day, or even an hour, or a minute? How much can you feel in one instant, how fast do the thoughts run through your head? ...You still don't understand. Then let me tell you. 

You don't like your boss, you dread going to work, you're anxious about the deadline coming up in a week. You're disgusted, you're addicted, you cry and you laugh. You love and you hate. Sometimes you're so mixed up in it, you can't look at life with any sense of logic. And everywhere there are people like you. They feel, and they hurt, but you can't even take the time to think about them because you're too busy trying to sort out yourself. You can't understand your own mind, let alone anyone else's. You feel indifference, and maybe sometimes a hint of compassion. It's too bad really, but you just don't know how they feel. 

But I do. I know how you feel. But not just you. I know that that woman over there just left her husband, and I know that the taxi driver just lost his daughter. I know that girl's excitement, that boy's desire. I can feel them. I hear them all in my mind. In my heart. Lust, grief, despair, pity. 

No. Don't pity me. Never pity me. I don't want that. You see? You're confused again. You can't understand. No one can understand really, except me. But that's why I'm lost. I can't tell myself from you, or from him, or him, or her. It's all there… everything you feel, all the time, multiplied by 10, or 20, or even more. Why I don't like crowds… No, that's all right. You didn't know any better, though I suppose now you do. It's rare that I get time by myself anyways, now a days especially. But it's not that I really mind. Why not? Well, you see that's kind of complicated. 

Why? You're going to have to be a bit more specific… Oh, I see. Why am I still here, if that's how I feel? At first I didn't understand that either, you know. Once I found out… once I knew the reason for my death, I was planning on leaving… but there was something that made me stay. Well, some_one_, really. Hold on, I'm getting to that. 

He wasn't like anyone else I'd ever met. Yeah I know, gag me, I'm getting sentimental. But it's true. Everyone else is like you… no offense, but no one truly wants to know what other people think. No one wants to understand their pain. But he did. He hurt so much; he felt so much anger, because of what someone had done to me. It made him sad to know I was in pain. And he didn't try to ignore it, he didn't run away… and he didn't give me pity. Never pity - not from him. Compassion… I've never felt so much before from a person. And no indifference, or apathy… It was strange, at first I admit. But it was comforting in a way. I didn't have to question him. He genuinely cared. 

Listen to me, I sound like a lovesick teenager. But for awhile, that's what I felt like. I was reluctant. I felt his warmth, his affection And as time went on and it grew to love… I didn't know what to do. The emotions were so strong in me that I hated to be without him, I didn't want to loose those feelings… even if they weren't my own, they may as well have been, I felt them so intently. I couldn't loose that. When weeks and months passed, and I opened up to him more… they only grew stronger, these strange feelings. It was like the addiction I've felt from people who wanted cigarettes, or a drink… I needed more. It was a lifeline in the death and the blood and the pain that all the spirits had… one that I wasn't willing to loose. 

But I did. Even if it was only for awhile, it made me realize… You know, being away from him was both the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me. When Muraki had him I was in constant fear of what he would do, the pain he would suffer… but there was something else that I understood then, something that the distance between us strengthened in my heart. 

I could still feel it. When I thought about him, the warmth, the love… it was still there. Why it was so strong, such an addiction… it was my own feelings, mixing with his. They were the same. Why I needed him, why I couldn't leave him… I loved him. It's funny now, looking back. How could I not? His compassion, his strength… somehow I was lost among everyone, but with him, I never could be. Not when our feelings may have well been one for all the likeness they shared. 

That's why I wouldn't just let him die there in Kyoto, why I ran off into the fire. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I couldn't let him go. Not after I understood… I finally _understood_… And so when I found him, when I held him, I made sure that he understood too. Understood that I wouldn't leave, that I needed him as much as I had ever needed anything before. And… well, yeah. What else can I say? I guess everyone does deserve a happy ending after all, huh? 

Yeah, that's why I don't mind that I'm not really alone anymore. Because even though I'm lost around everyone else… never with him. I don't want to be alone anymore if I could be with him instead. 

Listen to me! I'm getting so sappy. Did you pour sugar into my tea or something? …Don't laugh at me, I wasn't trying to be funny. 

Huh? Why am I smiling? I can feel him. I know he's bit late, but I told you that he'd be coming sooner or later. That idiot, he'd never miss a chance to get dessert. I'm not cruel. I mean 'idiot' in the nicest possible way, of course. Well anyways, I'm just glad that he's here. 

…Did you hear that? Yes, I meant it. I'm glad you're here, even if it is only to satisfy that sweet tooth of yours. Don't deny it! …Why are you looking at me like that? Hey! Don't have such thoughts; we're in a public pla- …mmmph. Yeah, ok. Maybe you were right. 

Well, I guess we'll be going then. What? Oh, nice talking to you too. I'll see you later. 

=+=+=+= 

_/Warmth. Affection. Love./_

"I missed you." The taller man said reflectively, pulling his partner close with an arm slung around thin shoulders. 

"I know." Came the reply, a small smile playing on the boy's lips as green eyes shone in the dimming light. 

"I love you." These words were softer, barely a breath on the wind as the pair stopped, caught up in the stillness of the night. 

"I know…" 

A pause. 

"…I love you too." 

A smile. Violet eyes meeting emerald in quiet reassurance. 

"I know." 


End file.
